the day i turned 33

birthdays are one of the special events in someone’s life. when i was young, i am always excited for that day to come. i thought about party with cake and gifts. and when i am about to turn 18, i thought about a more grandiose event. a party with 18 candles and roses, grand cotillion and of course, the formality of being an adult.

then came my 22nd birthday. it's my first birthday celebrated far away from my family who's in mindanao as i got luckily employed in luzon. being new to the department, it was not anticipated that i will be greeted that warmly and that they will give me a simple celebration. never did i feel nostalgic that much. thanks to my office mates and friends behind it.

the next memorable birthday was when i was 24th. it was my 1st birthday which i celebrated with my special one, the one who helped me nursed my broken heart, the one who made me feel that there is always a rainbow after the storm, and eventually, the only man i vowed before HIM to spend the rest of my life with.

my 29th birthday was for record. i gained a new surname after i married 3 months before my birthday. and my friends in the office, had done all that makes that birthday, one of my memorable birthdays.

when i turned 30, it was an exceptional from the rest of my birthdays. it's the birthday i will always treasure the most. because that was the first birthday wherein i am already a mom of a 2 month old baby girl. and after 9 birthdays, that was also the first birthday that my parents were there to celebrate it with me.

the 31st however was the saddest. its my birthday wherein i am so all alone in the world. it's my 8th month here in taipei.

the 32nd was a bit happier, since a dear friend that i met here, a nigerian, started my day. she surprisingly prepared a breakfast for me in my cubicle and some stuff as accessories. and my housemates who were my office mates as well, bought a cake for me after work.

now, i was 33! i thought it will be another sad birthday, and so i just thought. soon as i woke up, i grabbed my mobile phone. i woke up early so i would have ample time to doll up. soon as i dialed my mom in law's number, the phone rang so soon. then i hear my baby's voice, singing a birthday song for me. that was the most delightful birthday song i have ever heard, the most precious gift i have ever received, and that was the start of a day i ever most wanted it to be.
that song keeps on playing in my ears as i was heading the office, and my hubby's birthday greeting was a plus. my thoughts are wandering, my heart is pounding a little fast, and i am almost teary-eyed thinking that this birthday i hope would be the last birthday i will be away from them, the people i want to celebrate all special events with, the people i always wanted to be close to everyday, the people i will never trade of anything else in this world, the people i called my family.

i have all the reason to be happy today. it's my birthday! i'm 33, with a 3 year old smart and beautiful daughter. and she started my day so well. and when i approached my cubicle, another surprise! for two years now, my beautiful ever nigerian friend, arrange a breakfast on my cubicle. i thought she haven't remembered my day, i thought it was not a big deal to her. and i thought it was nothing to her. and that surprise not ended with that breakfast alone, she treated me to lunch as well. isn't that too sweet of a friend?

it's 3pm, 3 hours before off of work. a long lost friend, pop a message. she said that she wanted to close my day with a dinner, her treat. then we arrange the time and the place, including the curfews.

few minutes before 6pm, my housemate called me, asking me what time i will go home as they(she and the bf, both are godparents of my baby) will treat me too. wow... isn't that great? can i have a birthday again so soon?

that's how enviable a birthday celebrant is. well wishers are never-ending, phone calls and birthday messages are overloading and treats are overflowing. don't you wish your birthday is everyday?

i am on my way to meet my long-lost friend. a friend i gain way back 11 years ago. the last time i saw her was april 2008, she took me to CKS airport for my vacation. she's one of my friends i seldom met. though we both work in taiwan, it seem an ocean away. her demand of work steals that chances of seeing me on weekends.

that meeting with her, that dinner with her was exceptional. because after all we've been through, after all the instances that i thought i was forsaken, the time i needed her the most and she wasn't there, the love for a friend was still there. i thought so i had this grudge, this hatred that i won't be able to forgive her. but the fact alone that i agreed to meet her was enough proof that i can't bear to loose her. but i was still hesitant, i was in denial stage, i hated her, that's what I have in mind.

from afar, i already saw her seating on one the benches, reading a little book, very obvious that she was waiting for quite a long time. and when i wave my hand, she smiled. that smile changed everything. the grudge and hatred in my heart, the evil thoughts and plans in my mind, and the urge for vengeance were no longer there. if i were on a nightmare, somebody woke me up. if i were drunk to death, a very cold water was splashed unto me. if i were daydreaming, somebody knock my head to consciousness.

i just realized how deep our friendship have been carved into our hearts, how far it brought us to this closeness, what's the worth and true meaning and how it bind us that much. i also just realized how i missed her, how i was so excited to talk to her, to get updates. now, i know that whatever trials may test us, whatever problems may come, there is only one word that will draw us back to each other, FRIENDSHIP.

i have few friends but all of them are friends worth keeping, friends worth loving. and me, a blessed individual to have those kind of friends.

to all my friends, thanks a lot for everything. we may not see each other often and much, communication may not always but this love we got as we nurture friendship, is what matters most.

my friends, you know who you are. and as i turned 33, i wanna say, thanks for making it memorable. thanks for the sumptuous dinner, thanks for the yummy cake though it was already passed my birthday, thanks for the one of a kind blog, thanks for all the greetings sincerely from the heart. i don't want to mention their names, they are very few, because they are the chosen ones.

and the day i turned 33, the day i turned double 3, the happiness was 3 by 3 and that brought me to cloud 9.

the pain....it still feels like the first time

no certain words can ever describe the feeling i have right now. i am madly, deeply and truly hurt inside, again......


when was parting time, a blissful one? when was goodbye, a joyful one?


this is not the first time i was away with my dearest baby, not even the second time, yet each time and every time we parted, it always feels like the first time....

i can still clearly remember how i cried when i left for taiwan. she's 6 months old yet that time. the desire to speed up the processing of my application is as strong as the desire to freeze the time to bond with her. yet i know these things i can't control. no matter how i wish to freeze the time, no matter how i wish the departure day won't come yet, it will really be, eventually.


i saw hubby walking out of the room, pulling my trolley so he could put them inside the car's trunk. and there i was, staring at my beautiful baby sleeping soundly. kissing her gently everywhere, anywhere. i can't exactly remember all the thoughts that run through my senses that time as i was saying goodbye to her. but one i was so sure of.. i was hoping to see her so soon.


when hubby told me that we should leave or else i'll be late, i was blanked. is this really happening? is this really to happen? should i really do this? can i really take this? is the goal of seeking fortune in a strange land, far away from my loved ones worth all this pain?


i can't almost utter clear words to my mom in law and aunt in law, who will take care of my baby. i was already weeping loudly that almost got all my strength. and the journey from our place to manila, which is around 2 hours by car, was the hardest. i was just lucky that hubby never runs out of words to console me, words to keep me calm, words to encourage me and words to keep me look forward to something else better. i weep endlessly. and much more on the plane. and much much more when i open the door of my room in the dormitory.


this room would be the witness of all my crying nights. back there, i want to freeze the time, and now, i want to speed it up. so i can see her again, so i can hug her again and so i'll be the one to take care of her.


i can't put justice to my decision. i left my baby under my aunt in law's care so I can save for her future. would it be better off staying and taking care of her instead then work and earn just enough? what if she will go to school? what school she will be enrolled into? how about her other needs? so many things....


just to ease the pain, i always keep myself busy, concentrate on projects i was assigned to.


thanks God and the time flew so fast. few days before her 1st bday, my husband and my baby arrived taipei. it was lucky that hubby was given another technical support job to HQ despite his supervisory position, which validates his stay for 30 days. it would mean, my baby and aunt will stay 30 days as well.


i was so happy, so excited while heading CKS international airport to fetch them.. so i thought i was. when i took hold of her, she cried out loud. she don't want to go near me. i look like a total stranger to my own baby. that was an unexplainable hurt and an indescribable feeling. should there be more excruciating pain, this is all i know.


and night came.... she can't sleep, so restless and was weaning all night. i can't stop her from crying, i can't put her to sleep. only her dad can.. and so my aunt.

i am now seeing the downside, the disadvantages, and the cons. leaving her under some one's care, makes her distant to me. i got a week before i finally got her attention. at last, i am not as guilty as i was the 1st day. i want to freeze the time. can 30 days be longer?


the pressures, the urgency of projects, the demand and even the annoyance of all people involved in the project, it's all nothing. as i go home, as i see my baby, as i play with her, no amount of fatigue can ever try to steal my adrenaline. she's in the stage of developing her physical stamina, in the stage where she discovers her agility, the stage where she has an infinite vigor.

and came the day they left for philippines. whew! this would be the 2nd time i will be away from her. as i was seeing them walking away from the immigration to approach their boarding gates, i can't control my tears to fall, i can feel the lump of my throat, and the pain in my chest. oh my god, help me. please make me strong...


i went home so weak. i smell the bed sheet and everything she have used. i can see her walker which she use to run and play with me. i can see her toys. i hug them all with endless tears. until i got tired and was fallen to sleep.


i was looking forward for another chance, a chance to see her again here.

a good friend of mine, ( a classmate in high school), was my outlet. thanks to the technology.. i can see her, she can hug me, console me, cry with me... virtually. and from her, i got my encouragement. she said that moms are highly-favored in heaven. and so she was right....

in just five months, i saw my baby again. i wish i could fly to CKS. i was so excited again. much more this time because my baby is with my parents. there is so much to thank for. i can see my baby again, she can stay until 6 months and my dream to let my parents see taiwan was realized. it was more than what i asked for. god never gives on installment basis. just keep on believing and never doubt him in any means. everything is all for the common good.


my baby is now a year and 5 months. she's in the stage where she wants independence yet she's still very dependent on many things. and i shall say, it was not hard, like the 1st time she came here. i'm not a stranger anymore to her. she even cries if i left to office. this is her stay where we both develop mom and daughter ideal relationship.

so came the parting time again. their 6 months stay was fast but i can see that my parents love the place. we discover places together. they gain friends and mingle with friends which they only communicate through sign languages. i do believe that wherever you go, whoever you mingle with, as long as you have a kind heart, there are always friends you can meet along the way, to join with you in your journey.

this is the most painful parting time. soon as she saw me not following her to the immigration, she called me and cried. and soon as they approach their boarding gates, she insisted to mom to put her down.


in between us was a glass wall. and there were tiny spaces due to joints, so i can hear clearly what she's saying.


she was begging me to go with her, i saw her eyes full of tears, her heart full of pleas, i saw her in pain. how can a mother withstand all this? the more i cried when i saw her crying like that. the pain i felt when we parted last time was many times doubled.


i was the only one crying last time. now, seeing her crying that much that almost lost all her strength was unbearable, much more hearing her plea. my mom can hardly carry her, as she is struggling to go down to go near the glass wall to talk to me. how i wish i could go inside, how i wish i can really come and go with her. oh my god, please don't let her cry like that again. it was all i have uttered in my short prayer.


as i went home alone, i have the heaviest heart ever. my tears are endless, my sobs are uncontrollable. to top it all, the pain is excruciating.

here i am again, looking forward for the day to see her again. yet afraid to see her hurt, again....

6 months after, she visit me again. of all the times i fetch her in the airport, this is the happiest. since she already recognize me soon as i saw her.

she stayed for 9 months, her longest stay here ever. i was so thankful that i was given this chance again. we become closer, though she looks more like her dad, her ways are mine, especially that we are like playmates. she mimics me if she likes it, from the words i utter up to posing for a picture.

we always do things together. she learned a lot from me, and i was learning a lot from her too. because of her, i have tried controlling my temper, my patience, and being considerate.

now she need to leave again. we need to go through again the pain of parting. few days before their departure, i already warned her not to cry, since mommy is here to work. and when i say it again in the airport, this is what she responded, "why you will not work in the philippines mommy"?


i was blanked for a minute in which quickly i said, because mom's work is here. then she quickly responded, just visit me during saturdays mom.

that statement pushed my tears to fall. that statement caused a somewhat needle-prick in my heart. she asked me if i was crying and i quickly lied that my eyes were just hurt. she said i should check it at home soon as i got home. my daughter grew to be a sweet one. she's so easy to handle. i was so lucky i was her mom. and i am working and doing everything that someday, she will say too, she's so lucky to have me as her mom.


now, taking them to the immigration, was not that hard since she didn't cried. she was even so happy and excited to go to bacolod, waving her hand and blowing a kiss to me. she's so excited, as i have told her nice stories that she is looking forward to as she will soon be in bacolod.

the pain of parting this time, was the same as the first time i was far from her. i thought after all the pains i have been through, the times i have been into this situation, make me strong already. but i was wrong.

in the bus going back to taipei main station was tearful. i saw the plane took off just a few minutes. i just uttered a short prayer, that they will be safe. then all the times we were together flashed back. the more i cried painfully, the more i'm hurt. this is not the first time, yet it always feels like the first time.